Giada and Zoe with Grandma Ann the night before she died

Brad’s mom passed away today.

It was surprising really. I mean we knew it was coming but we thought we had a month or more. She would have been 70 on the 20^th and I think in my mind I thought for sure she would see her birthday.

She was fine until yesterday. She woke up and was coherent but often disoriented. Whenever she closed her eyes she would talk to people who were dead for years. She would fall asleep and her hands moved all the time, acting like she was eating or writing something. You could hear the fluid in her lungs though. When you shook her awake she was surprised to see us there, but was talking. She was even up walking around and held Giada twice. She was very annoyed about us ordering her a hospital bed from hospice as she loves her temperedic and thought it was silly to have a bed brought in. This picture of her, Giada and her dog Zoe was last night about 6pm.

Thankfully she only had to sleep in it for one night. She took medicine all night but basically was already passing this morning as she could not be roused. Nurses were there and they couldn’t tell us how long, but the thought in the next 2 days or so. But it was just not to be.

In the end it was just me, her and Giada there together when she died. Brad and his sister Jenny had gone on an errand, to spend some time together as Ann seemed fairly stable. Giada and I were at her bedside when she began to pass. Her eyes had opened as I was talking to her about Giada and I was holding Giada up for her to see her and she was rousing slightly trying to talk a little when her breathing changed and the nurse told me that that signaled the end was near. I managed to get Jenny and Brad on speaker phone as they were returning home and they both got to say their good byes loud and clear for her to hear. I held her hand and told her how much we loved her and how lucky I was to have the opportunity to really KNOW my mother in law as we had battled her cancer together. I told her how glad I was that she had had time with Giada. She died quickly and peacefully.

I’m grateful she didn’t linger and wasn’t in pain but am very, very sad myself and even more so for Brad.

Cherish the time you have and give your family a hug and kiss tonight. We’re blessed to have each other.

One of the most horrifying days of my life.

Giada’s two month doctor’s appointment was really more like a 2 month and 2 week appointment. Dr. Curtis (Dr. Somer Curtis and I went to high school together at Ursuline Academy.) said Giada was doing well. She is growing on a 20% growth curve and weighs 10lbs 1 oz now. When she was born she weighed 6lbs 11 oz. but dropped to 6 lbs 1 oz at her 2 week appointment. Her head is normally shaped, not flat (thank goodness) and is in the 50th percentile at 39.9 – I am not sure why this is important – it shows her brain is developing?

Everyone always says that Giada is tall but she is actually just 24 inches tall – weird, she’s grown 4 inches in 2 months – that is pretty amazing that she is getting that big just on breast milk. (That’s in the 85th percentile if you’re interested.)

The whole percentile thing is kinda odd. How important is it? Does it matter really? Hmm…

Well all that was just fine. Somer said I need to be careful to not let her fall off anything as people underestimate the dexterity of their  babies at this age. Giada is not flipping over yet but she can scooch around pretty well. At our first appointment with Dr. Curtis Giada did actually flip her self from her side to her back which was pretty precocious. She also turned herself in a circle by scooching her feet.

I really should see Giada gets more tummy time so she can get stronger. It is funny to see her hold her little head up when against my chest or in a sitting position. She is still not super strong but she is doing better and better. She started doing this around Christmas.

The horrifying part of the visit was the vaccinations. The nurse came in with three shots with needles so long I thought they would go all the way through her leg.

I really thought I was prepared. I knew she was getting shots. I knew they were going to hurt her. I breastfed through the appointment to get her lots of oxytocin or whatever the feel good hormones are called. I steeled myself – telling myself that it was for her own good. The nurse came in, three shots in hand, jabbed Giada in both legs so fast I barely saw her hand move and had 2 band aids slapped on before Giada could even articulate the extreme pain she was in evidenced by the awful kidney bean red color she had turned. Poor thing!! She screamed and screamed. I immediately put her to breast but it took awhile until she would take that comfort. I guess it eventually worked though as after she finished eating she seemed ok and was fine all the way home. It was awful! I’m terrified of her 4 month appointment. Jesus.

Thanks to all for the advice and to Aunt Regina for the call. We are doing well with the baby but it is hard to know what is best. The crying when being put to bed only lasted 1 night because I just could not handle it. I agree that she is crying for a reason and even if it is just because she is lonely that is enough. I would like to get her on some kind of schedule just so that she knows hen she will be sleeping and awake eating and so on. Of course if that is not advisable right now then that is fine because Giada being on a schedule would require ME being on a schedule and that hasn’t happened for 38 years and unfortunately is not likely to happen now.

Giada seems happy and well fed but it is weird not really knowing how much she is getting because of breastfeeding. If I am breastfeeding every 3 hours then when am I supposed to pump? She seems less satisfied when I pump at 1 1/2 hours (plus I don’t get a ton of milk it seems) What did other mothers here do? I really don’t want her drinking formula unless can help it but I can’t seem to lay down an adequate frozen supply. Any advice besides get up at 3:30 to pump? I’m not doing so great at that.

I am sitting here listening to my precious daughter scream her heart out on a monitor and apparently I am supposed to let her do this for her “own good” so she becomes a disciplined person. I guess I am a weak wimp or she is already a master manipulator.  I just can’t do it. I don’t care what the books say! I’m going to get her right now.

We had a wonderful Christmas and still have out tree up. Giada’s swing is by the tree and she seems to get a kick out of just staring at it for long times at a stretch. She has started to smile more now and she is super sweet. She eats like a piglet and is getting nice and fat. We are still breastfeeding exclusively and it just seems so bizarre that she can be getting all the nutrition she needs from me. I try and eat a fruit every once in awhile to round out my terrible diet of cheese, cheese, cheese. (My God I Love Cheese!)

We are staying home tonight for new years as I am sick and we have the baby, We are headed up to central market to buy Oysters , crab legs and salami. I have a big head of garlic I am going to roast and squeeze on bread with goat cheese too. Brad an my diets start on Monday – which I’m sure Giada will appreciate as it will be lots of wholesome veggies and chicken and so on. Considering weight watchers again. Just putting a stop to the cheese eating I’m sure will make a large improvement.

So what are everyone’s new year resolutions? Mine is to have a planning 15 minutes every night and every morning as I end and start my day to try and put some paramenters on what I want and need to do. Kate has been doing this motivatedmom.com thing that looks promising. I’m still in awe she did this (have twins!!) with no help and no grandma and aunts down the street. WOW!

I have been sick with a sinus infection for the last few days. I knew I had lost my voice but had been doing pretty well,. Not really feeling sick until my TEETH started hurting a couple of days ago. It felt like I had just had my molars removed or something on my top jaw. I thought maybe I had cracked a tooth. I was telling my designer haw bad they hurt when she said ti was because of a sinus infection. I had never heard of such a thing! I checked it out on the internet and low and behold, it’s true! Very interesting.  

So I went to a Doc in a Box yesterday (my primary care physician figured out there was a ton more money to be made in dermatology (i.e. Botox and face resurfacing) and changed practice types – should get a discount for the inconvience after 15 years of loyal following) and they took blood work and I did have higher  white blood cell count. So now I have a Z pack (which I always thought sounded very ominous but it turns out is just arizthromyacin, which I took for years to get rid of acne – I’ll be surprised if I’m not immune by now) and should be on the mend. I did wake up without my teeth hurting so I guess it must be working.

My Aunt Delores had brought over this teapot you stick up your nose and pour hot water in your head – but that whole process was just too scary for me, though she swears it is no big deal. Has anyone tried this contraption? A neti pot? Hmmm…

Trying to get Giada to “go to bed” at 8:00 until her last feeding at midnight. Not super successful so far. It is too hard to let her sit in there and cry.

My Mom reported: I babysat for Giada this afternoon while Amy and Brad got their Xmas tree.  She was a little fussy, but I got to feed her a bottle for the second time.  She really does pretty well with it.  She is beginning to stare at things and people, and it seems like she is trying to figure out who I am.  Seeing me two days in a row seemed to make a difference. The weather is really nasty, cold and rainy.  Only the pansies and the (I forget what you call them) are still alive.  Even my beautiful camellias succumbed.  It is even colder in Missouri according to the paper, but, of course, not as cold as St. Paul and Kate says they don’t have any snow.

The baptism was lovely. Uncle Joe’s whole crew was there. Super Joe’s youngest had pink eye, poor thing, so they couldn’t come to the party afterward because it was contagious. We were so glad they made it to the service though.

Embry, Kate and Stacy did an excellent job as godparents. It all seemed to go so fast. Deacon Schuster officiated expertly. I like how you walk through different parts of the church to show how you join the Catholic community as you are baptized. Especially how you end up at the altar and they talk about how the sacraments are a great comfort. You begin your life at the altar during Baptism, have your First Communion, Confirmation, marriage and eventually the altar is brought to you during your last rites. All a part of the cycle of life and how the Catholic community participates in the cycle. It is comforting.

Giada looked very sweet in her white dress and only cried once.

I know that these are not very Thanksgiving-y pictures but Giada spent most of the holiday asleep in our bedroom as she was only a few weeks old. We had the whole Cullivan family at out house for dinner, which was really nice as we don’t all get together too often. Everyone contributed food, some of the highlights being my Aunt Marilyn’s homemade ice cream and My Uncle Pat bringing a Petit Jean ham from Arkansas. All of the food was delicious. Brad’s brother, his wife Vicki and their son Evan, one of 2 cousin’s on the Palmer side, all came up from Houston to enjoy the weekend. Giada’s other cousin Marshall and his wife came and stayed upstairs at Ann’s. We played our traditional family card game of 31 and had a great time!